Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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