i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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