Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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