Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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