There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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