She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
smell my finger.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
