he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
