i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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