I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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