she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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