you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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