Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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