I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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