Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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