My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she peed on how many people?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
