but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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