READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
