yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
