Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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