If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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