I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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