I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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