And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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