Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
