dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
