After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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