Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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