I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You ruined the universe
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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