dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
