maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
