Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
