its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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