??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
