dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
