Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
