Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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