We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
