Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
