I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
