we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
