WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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