508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
