Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Let's paint friendship bongs
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
