My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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