Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
