I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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