yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
