I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
