i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
