Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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