gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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