where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
