so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
