Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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