Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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