dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize