Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
