I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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