WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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