tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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