dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
