i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
