Screwed.edu
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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